family support

AToN Center Addiction Treatment in San
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How Do I Convince My Family I Need Recovery?

February 20, 2020 // by ATON RECOVERY

The road to our admission to a substance abuse problem has been long, and after a long period of suffering, we have decided to begin our recovery journey. We look to our family and friends for their support, and for some of us, we are surprised when we meet resistance or discouragement regarding our desire to begin the treatment process. These are the people we thought would have our backs, and now it seems that we are going to have to convince them that we need help instead. How do I convince my family I need recovery?

Denial

Many times, if we suffer from substance abuse, we are surrounded by some level of dysfunction within our families. Many in recovery come from families rife with these issues. In fact, substance abuse has been speculated to be a genetic trait. We also often learn the behaviors that lead to substance abuse issues from our family. This means that if we have decided to seek help for substance use, they may be in denial of how much this has impacted us.

There is also the situation of the “black sheep” of the family. Another frequent occurrence is substance abuse in individuals who come from good families who may have never experienced these things before. In these cases, it is often the thought of “no way that substance abuse could affect MY family” that leads to denial. In some cultures, it can even be seen as weak or taboo to seek outside help for a substance abuse issue, so the natural course is to just deny it exists.

Unfortunately, if our family is in denial, we may not be able to get much-needed support from them. Remember that support does not equate to love. Our families always love us in the best way they can, but they may not emotionally and mentally be able to support us due to their own issues or upbringing. Sometimes, learning this fact is the support we need to enter recovery because we realize that their denial has been enabling our behavior. The lack of support from family members is often what is needed, and can give us the impetus to change our own lives.

Honesty

Another reason families may be hesitant to support our recovery is perhaps they do not know how severely our substance use impacts our lives. We may have told them some of our stories, but not the gritty details. It is not that we need to confess our darkest secrets to them, but we can let them know if our substance use is impacting our attendance at work, failures in higher education, and affecting our ability to be productive members of society. Saying “I miss a lot of work” does not have the same impact of letting them know how severe our attendance problem is.

When we are honest with our families about our substance use and the impact it is having on our lives, we give them the opportunity to make a more informed decision about the value that treatment could have for us. We now have taken accountability for our actions, which is an important skill as we navigate the roadmap to recovery. Being honest about our substance use allows our families and friends to see the whole picture. Whether or not that convinces them of our need for treatment is still their choice.

Ask for Support

While we may be talking to them about our need for treatment, we may not always ask for their support. Perhaps they have some kind of personal issues with treatment, so they have a hard time giving us their stamp of approval. Another way of seeking their approval is if we ask for love and support. They may be willing to give that anyway, simply because they love us. However, we cannot force everyone into making the same conclusions and decisions about something they have to give, even with something as vital to our health as treatment. Asking for support gives us that much more strength and determination to succeed in our recovery.

With or Without You

Most families are very supportive of treatment, but some are not. Whether it is due to dysfunction, denial, or just not being able to grasp how important treatment can be to us, we should never allow that to stop us from making our own decision. Treatment for substance use is life-changing, and when it comes to healing, this is a decision that we need to make. The support of our family could make easier for us, but it should not change our decision. It is important to get the help we need, with or without our families.

So how do I convince my family I need recovery? That is not always possible. The most important thing is that we convince ourselves. We can ask for approval and support. We can be open, honest, and accountable to them, but at the end of the day, this is our life and our treatment. As much as you may love your family and want their blessing, treatment is your choice. This is your life and your recovery. Don’t let anyone prevent your opportunity for healing.

Make the call to begin your treatment today. With or without your family’s support, your life matters. Make the call today. Call AToN Center at (888) 813-5928.

A Message to Families of Substance Abusers

April 8, 2018 // by Aton Center

Many of you may have heard that Jackie Chan, who is a Narcotics Control Ambassador for the Chinese police, and is an anti-drug advocate, has been struggling with some recent events. It has become known that his son, Jaycee, has been arrested for drug related charges. Per RTE Ten news, the elder Chan stated, “With regards to the incident involving my son Jaycee, I am very angry and shocked. As a public figure, I am ashamed. As a father, I am very sad and his mother is heartbroken. I told Jaycee: if you have done something wrong, you must bear the consequences. As your father, I am willing to face the road ahead with you.”

I think many of us can relate to the Chan family – conflicting emotions, including anger, confusion, and sometimes self-blame can be experienced when drug use comes to light. I think we can learn from the Chan’s response, which includes acknowledging natural emotions, encouraging loved ones to experience the natural and logical consequences of their behaviors, and finally to “share the road ahead,” during the difficult process of recovery. At the AToN Center, our residents participate in family work, which includes acknowledgement of how use has affected the family, how the family can assist in recovery, and creating expectations and guidelines for the resident after discharge. Sometimes, additional family sessions are held when necessary.

Ultimately, the AToN Clinical Team hopes to assist the families in whatever way may be needed; sometimes that includes education on enabling, or problem solving current or potential issues that may arise. All in all – the AToN Clinical Team recommends that families receive their own support; whether that be from their own individual therapy, attending SMART Friends and Family, or Al-Anon.

Cassandra Cannon, Ph.D.

Clinical Director

AToN Center 888-535-1516

The Family System

January 30, 2018 // by Aton Center

Addiction is a family issue that doesn’t just affect the addict. It is something that every member of the family has to deal with in his/her own way ant this dysfunction is a constant issue within the family. Each family member needs to deal with their own issues surrounding addiction. Attending therapy, Alanon, Alateen, and Codependency meetings can all be extremely healing for all as they help educate the family about the disease of addiction. They also help the family unit develop a strong sense of support to halt enabling behaviors and build healthy communication.

Often when there is dysfunction within the family unit it isn’t just the addict that takes on a certain role, but so do other family member. These roles develop because the family is subconsciously trying to get back to a level of homeostasis. These roles can be identified as “The Enabler,” “The Hero,” “The Scapegoat,” “The Mascot” and “The Addict.”

The Enabler can be a non-using spouse, the oldest child or the child closet to the substance abuser. This person often encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in the addict and may include making excuses for the addict in social and business situations, or even helping the addict pay for their drugs of choice. The enabler is often in denial about the severity of the addiction and continues to make excuses for the addict. These behaviors are a defense mechanism in an effort to present a picture of ease to those outside the nuclear family.

The Hero tends to be the person who appears confident, overachieving and yet serious, and they often take on the role of a parent. These responsibilities can include taking care of younger siblings and looking after the non-substance-abusing parent. “The Hero” often feels that he/she needs to take on more and more responsibility and is often a perfectionist at heart. These outward behaviors often reveal feelings of inadequacy stress and guilt that the individual has internalized.

The Scapegoat is often the child who acts out with oppositional and deviant behaviors, and these behaviors are often a way to deflect the negative experiences that are happening at home. They are a way for the child to cope with the chaotic environment at home. This child or member of the family often feels anger and resentment toward the substance abuser in the home.

The Mascot is often the child who uses comedy to deal with uncomfortable and difficult situations at home. By bringing a sense of relief to the family with his/her humor he/she continues to sacrifice his/her own needs to maintain some form of normalcy.

The Lost Child tends to be withdrawn and does not appear to connect very well with the other family members. He or she may have difficulty engaging with others and developing social skills. As a result this child disengages from the negative and chaotic home environment.

It is important to be aware that these roles that are often established in childhood and these behavioral patterns can also play out into our adulthood. It is because of this that treatment for all members of the family system is recommended. Some content is references from rehab.com.

Call AToN Center for Help.

888-535-1516

Help for Co-dependency

December 26, 2017 // by Aton Center

Co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that can affect individuals and families from having healthy, stable relationships. Originally, co-dependency was a term used to describe people who lived with someone who had an addiction. However, today the term is used to describe any dysfunctional family.

Co-dependents are usually people who have low self-esteem and are looking for anything or anyone to make them feel better about themselves. The co-dependent gets a great sense of satisfaction at being needed. However, by trying to take care of others their behavior can become compulsive and detrimental both to themselves and the addict.

Some patterns and characteristics of co-dependent behavior are:

They have difficulty making decisions
They value other people’s approval over their own
They don’t seeing themselves as loveable
They have difficulties handling mistakes and then feel badly about themselves.
They Judge what people say to them and then see it as criticism
They feel that they are never good enough or can do enough to help
They are always trying to please others

Co-dependents don’t see that they are actually preventing the addict or dysfunctional family member from getting the help they need. When the addict or dysfunctional family member never faces the consequences of their action they never get the motivation to change. Many co-dependents don’t realize they are actually doing more harm than good, by believing they are helping when they are actually perpetuating the addict’s behavior.

Help for co-dependency

Family therapy – to help break the unhealthy cycle
Group therapy – to learn new coping skills and to realize that they are not alone
Co-dependency Anonymous (CODA, 12 Step Mtgs.) coda.org
Self-esteem classes
Better boundary settings
Getting help for the addict by calling in an Interventionist and finding a treatment program.

AToN Center 888-535-1516

References:
recovery.org
Coda.org
mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

69-year-old Mother Died after Cleaning up the Bathroom Where her Son Fatally Overdosed

November 17, 2017 // by Aton Center

According to the New York Post, a 69-year-old mother in New York died after cleaning up the bathroom where her son fatally overdosed. Authorities believe she may have come in contact with a highly toxic substance while cleaning up her son’s paraphanelia. She went to the same hospital her son had gone to only the day before, and subsequently died one day before him.

This is truly tragic and our hearts go out to the family. It highlights an important point about being very careful if coming into contact with someone’s unknown substances or paraphanelia. We often ask loved ones to help our clients by cleaning out their substances. We encourage them to be careful not to get poked by needles (which can contain communicable diseases) or to accidentally inhale or ingest unknown substances.

If you don’t know what a substance is, we encourage you to be cautious and contact the authorities. Substances can be very strong and someone not used to them may not be able to withstand even a minor exposure. The link to the article is below. Details will hopefully continue to emerge so we can get a clearer picture of what happened.

https://nypost.com/2017/11/15/mom-dies-cleaning-up-following-sons-fatal-overdose/

Sarah Zucker, Psy.D.
Psychologist, AToN Center

Helping Family Members Understand Addiction Recovery

October 28, 2017 // by Aton Center

Family. In my work at the AToN Center I have not just had the pleasure of assisting our residents but also coordinating care with various family members. Here are a few thoughts on how a person in early recovery can more effectively work with and relate to family members. Being in a treatment center provides and opportunity for a greater kind of honesty than one might consider while in the outside world. I do not believe that family members need to “know everything” but receiving care means that one can strive towards a greater honesty about the extent of the addiction.

Family members are often ill informed or ignorant about recovery. Patience is encouraged in first becoming more educated about the nature of addiction yourself and then secondarily making and taking the time to help inform family about the condition. Many times this can be in the form of literature regarding recovery that is written specifically for family members. I universally also encourage family members to get their own support. The mentality of a family member is often “if only they would quit using/drinking then everything would be ok.” This creates an external and passive approach in their lives. I recommend that whatever the form of assistance that they get help for themselves and work to change the mentality away from the person in recovery and instead focus on what boundaries or limits the family member needs to set and maintain themselves.

The largest available resource is Al-Anon but there are many alternative community support groups or professionally lead therapies that can also be very effective. Lastly for things to get better, things will change. Many times family members will have an unintentional resistance to recovery thinking that family members would be better off “quitting on their own” or after treatment being able to “reset and start moderately using/drinking.” Many family members are even so invested in a care taking role that they may not know what to do with themselves when the family member gets sober.

Growing is changing and the more flexibility and tolerance a person can have, the more likely you are to rebuild a healthy and sober connection with others.

Chad K. Cox PsyD
AToN Center 888-535-1516

What to Expect When a Loved One is in early Recovery

October 24, 2017 // by Aton Center

Having a loved one in recovery from a substance use disorder can be an emotional time, and it can be helpful to know what to expect. Recovery does not occur in 30 days, it is a life-long process. In the beginning you might notice that your loved one is more emotional, and feeling their feelings in a way that they haven’t in a long time – or maybe ever.

Even with the substances out of the picture, it doesn’t mean that all problems are solved. Recovery involves much more than “stopping.” Issues that were buried by substances could now rear their head and need to be managed or processed. Not only this, but most people in recovery find that they are dealing with triggers — anything that reminds them of alcohol or substances can bring up cravings or distress.

Managing these is not easy, and your loved one will need support – from family and friends, continued treatment, and community support groups such as SMART Recovery or AA. Just as it can be difficult living with or loving someone with an addiction, your relationship will probably not become perfect or completely “normal” when they first get into recovery. You might notice lingering anger or resentments, grief, anxiety, or other reactions.

This is why AToN strongly recommends attending a group such as SMART Friends and Family or Al-Anon, to get the support that you need in managing whatever comes up for you. Your loved one is not in recovery alone. You are in it with them.

Kirsten Helgager PsyD
Psychologist
AToN Center 888-535-1516

Dysregulation in addiction and early Sobriety

September 15, 2017 // by Aton Center

An individual making the transition from a life of addiction to recovery faces the task of reorganizing the method in which they live. The influence of addiction on a person’s life can result in a multi-faceted dysregulated experience. Being dysregulated has a wide range of influence on our experience. A person’s emotions can be unpredictable and rapidly changing. Strong emotion can swing from high to lows including problems with anger.

Our relationships grow intense and stressful with an ever present fear of being alone and abandoned. We don’t know where we fit in or who we are. A person can feel empty and easily bored. When a person is dysregulated, behavior can grow impulsive and reckless. A person can act without thinking of consequence. A person can feel disconnected. Thinking is cloudy. A person can develop an experience of numbness and shut down.

Mending this dysregulated experience is greatly supported with the right environment and treatment. The first 30 days of an individual’s sobriety can set the foundation for long lasting sobriety. Essential elements in early treatment will tend to emotions, thinking, relationships, and development of a new self-identity.

Education about therapeutic tools and skills can aid an individual toward mindfully managing difficult emotions. The adjustment in one’s thinking can result in a new trend of effective behaviors. A sober support system is developed from day one. An individual can learn new ways of engaging relationships based on respect. These skills can be applied with friends and family during your healing process.

Community is a priority to combat feeling alone, numb, and disconnected. Overcoming the dysregulation in one’s life exacerbated by addiction involves the entire individuals experience. Treatment should include safety, empathy, and intentionality of treatment determined to care for each unique person in a holistic fashion.

E. Matt Van Dusen PsyD LMFT LAADC
AToN Center 888-535-1516

Tough Love and Your Family

September 7, 2017 // by Aton Center

Considering getting help for a family member with an addiction can be a difficult and painful experience. Sometimes it calls for “Tough Love” which means setting boundaries requiring or promoting the individual to take responsibility for their actions. Often loved ones have trouble with where to begin and have many questions regarding how to help, what is helpful vs enabling, and when to seek professional help.

This is a process that begins with acceptance of the journey ahead and that the more help and collaboration the better. At AToN Center we have an intake department that can help navigate this challenging path as well as trained and skilled clinicians to work closely with your loved one while they are learning a new way of life.

The family can learn to be supportive in many ways as we offer family support sessions to get the process started and recommend continued care to nurture relationships, build trust and begin to reintegrate your loved ones back into life in a safe supported way. Some helpful programs to utilize for family support along with family therapy are Al-Anon, SMART Recovery Family and Friends, and Bily (Because I Love You).

Kristin Colton, CATC II
CD Counselor
AToN Center 888-535-1516

Relationships and Your Recovery

July 19, 2017 // by Aton Center

An often unexpected consequence of starting your new sober life will be the often dramatic changes to the relationships in your life. Many changes with sobriety often lead you to spending time away from old environments. In early recovery you may fantasize about spending your time with drinking and using buddies but “just not partaking yourself.” This is often an incredibly tempting situation but avoiding it will change the social dynamic.

Disclosing to friends that you are struggling with addiction can also change the relationship. If that person if still sold on their own use this is likely to create a strong rift between you. If the other person doesn’t understand addiction they may offer well intentioned but ultimately unhelpful advice.

The positive side though is that as you are sober and being more honest which will naturally screen out the negative influences and open you up to new connections. There is often a strong sense of satisfaction and intimacy in learning how to share your struggles with people who are part of your life.

Most people are surprised by how supportive and caring loved ones can be. They may also be surprised that what you thought was a well-kept secret was, at times, very obvious to others. There is also the opportunity of developing new friendships. Connecting with others in recovery or new healthy activities can provide a safety net that can prevent you from returning back to your struggle. There will be changes, but in taking care of yourself you will attract people into your life who also have a sense of self worth and esteem.

All the Best,

Chad K. Cox PsyD
AToN Center 888-535-1516

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