Letter to My Detoxing Self
Hey! How are you? I know, I know – you’re terrible. You’re annoyed by my enthusiasm because you hate everything. I wanted to write to you and tell you a few things as you’re in the thick of it. I know it’s SO HARD. It seems like it will never get better, but it will. It did. You’ll get through it. You got through it!
You are probably in the middle of another sleepless night that feels like it will never end. Maybe you’re watching movies on AMC and trying to not think about how uncomfortable you are. You close your eyes for a second and jolt awake within minutes. Every underlying medical condition you’ve ever had is flaring up, furthering the misery. Your muscles ache and your legs are so restless.
Some of your other weird symptoms, just to name a few: the sunlight is too bright and you have to squint and even the darkest glasses don’t help, your eyes water a lot, you’re sneezing all of the time, you’re freezing but sweaty and clammy, you smell funny (not bad, just like someone else), your muscles have the tone of a baby carrot that got steamed for way too long, you’re so tired and wired simultaneously, and your nose is runny.
Have you had that bad cold yet? The one that almost derailed you? You had never been sick without using substances before and you almost gave in because you felt so sick. Through luck or divine intervention, you were not able to follow through, but you would have. That was a great gift that it didn’t work out. After that, you went straight to a meeting and shared about what happened. People supported you and understood, which was nice.
And that’s just the physical part. The best way to describe what you’re going through in your brain is that it is like careening through outer space with no anchor or hope of ever landing anywhere. You’re alone and completely untethered. The Inner Critic in your head is SO LOUD and constantly commenting and narrating. It will not shut up.
Sometimes you can’t believe other people cannot hear the intrusive voice in your head because it is so noisy. I know I don’t have to tell you about your anxiety, but I will tell you that that gets better too. You’re still an anxious person overall, but for some reason it’s not that big of a deal anymore. You have coping skills now like mindfulness and acceptance and so much social support. Things are of course difficult sometimes, but so far you’ve managed to get through pretty well. Believe it or not, you would now describe yourself as an overall happy and grateful person.
So anyways, I know you won’t believe me, but YOU WILL BE OKAY. Don’t forget to just breathe and laugh and cry and share. Tell everyone else in the same spot that they are not alone.
*Writer Wishes To Be Anonymous
If you are going through withdrawals or want to stop taking substances and/or medications on which you are dependent, get medical and emotional support. We at AToN Center can absolutely help you and make it easier and safer.
Call us with any questions you may have. 888-535-1516